A Loving Spouse or a Difficult Spouse?

What’s best, a loving spouse or a difficult spouse?

Well it all depends.

What are your goals? A happy life? Contentment here on Earth? The fulfillment of a marriage that everyone agrees is a true love story?

Or, is your goal to get to heaven?

Sure when we get married we all dream about having a beautiful marriage, a loving spouse and the ideal family. But the truth is, and this is a difficult truth, what might be best for you and your soul is to have a spouse who makes life a challenge for you.

How can this be so? Is that really what God intends for marriage?

Yes, God wills all of us to have a beautiful loving relationship with each other. But when God sees us respond to a challenging situation, a difficult relationship, a difficult person in our life… then He knows that we are really working for Him and not just for us.

That’s how God loves us. He loves us even if we are totally wretched, horrible to others, and generally difficult to be around. Does He want us to be like that? No.

But when we are faced with hard situations in our marriage, whether it be a spouse who treats us badly, has a physical ailment, is confronted with emotional problems, or has challenges in their career or business…if we can accept them and love them, then we are imitating Jesus and the way He taught us to love.

When we got married, God didn’t say I want you to love your spouse until death do you part as long as your spouse is nice to you, a nurturing parent, great provider, and is always fun to be around. He knew that some of us love more than others. Some of us go through periods when we are very selfish. Some engage in sinful activities. But we are called to love everyone, not just the people who love us and are easy to live with.

So, if your main goal is to get to heaven and to bear the crosses that God gives you, then vow to love—no matter what—the spouse that God has given you.

What if you have a “bad marriage”?

Let me ask it another way. Is there really such a thing as a “bad marriage”? Let’s say you’re married. God put you and your spouse together. He had you meet that one person that He had chosen for you. And, He sees marriage as a sacrament and He was there to bless the marriage, making it really a three way union: you, your spouse and God.

How can that be “bad”? God arranged it. He created you and your spouse. He ordained any children that came from that union. God doesn’t make mistakes.

Are there challenging marriages?

Do we defile the marriage that God gave us?

Do we have ups and downs in marriage?

Do we sometimes seem to “grow apart”?

Do we feel under attack or unfulfilled?

Consider what happens when a marriage that was seemingly “good” runs into major obstacles. The father has a financial setback, the wife is unfaithful, a child dies, the nest empties, there is an addiction or mental disease, one spouse just becomes more selfish…

Now the comfort of the smooth sailing marriage enters a turbulent time and one or both spouses decide they aren’t up for the choppy waters.

Again, do you really think that God didn’t foresee this? After all the horrible sinners that have come before us and with all the sinful ways of our current world, do you really think that God didn’t know it would be tough?

You aren’t in a “bad marriage”. You are in a “God marriage”. Every marriage is good just like each one of us is good, even those of us who are “difficult”.

Back to the difficult spouses

Now those of you who might be “difficult spouses”. (In fact, I might be a “difficult spouse”) I can see the wheels turning. “That’s my problem… I’m a difficult spouse and my spouse should just accept me for that.”

This is not a license for you to continue to be difficult. You have your own soul to consider and God does not want you to be difficult to your spouse. So you need to do the best you can to be the best spouse you can be. Apologize. Amend your ways. Ask to be forgiven. And you need to love your spouse even if they aren’t able to truly love you in your difficulty.

Perhaps your spouse is the “difficult spouse”. Do you have to lie down and accept anything that comes your way? Any kind of sin or abuse? Absolutely not. First, you can and should pray for them. After all, the best thing for their soul is to love you and others. If they aren’t doing God’s will it’s not good for them, even if you are able to endure whatever hurt comes your way.

You should ask them to change and tell them your concerns and relate any pain they have caused you. Get priests and/or Christian counselors involved. You have every right to try to build the best marriage you can.

But, in the end, you can only control yourself. And, their best or their current state may not meet your needs or expectations. God knows that and He is watching to see how you respond. He’s watching them, too, but your main concern is you, how you love and how you bear your crosses.

Article by John S. Cohoat, who has a passion for personal spiritual development including copywriting/fundraising for Catholic organizations and spiritual writing. Article used with permission by http://catholicexchange.com/