Build Your House on Rock

Build Your House on Rock!

How to Strengthen Your Marriage and Family Life

Master builder that he is, God delights in establishing families on the most solid of foundations—his love and grace. He loves working from the bottom up, restoring the foundation so that the entire building can stand tall and strong.

As you look at the condition of your family’s foundation, we would like to suggest that you spend time together examining your relationship as husband and wife. You may feel that your children are the ones who really need help and guidance, but the greatest impact you can have on your children is the witness of your own relationship. So many of our children’s conceptions of friendships and marriage are determined by what they see in their parents’ lives. Consequently, the more you can strengthen your marriage relationship, the more you can be an instrument of healing and conversion for your children.

Strengthen Your Marriage. As parents, you are two people who have vowed before God and his church to love, cherish, honor, and obey one another, until your death. You also vowed to bring forth children “out of your love for one another.” What a privilege—children as the fruit of your love! Who cannot love their own flesh and blood? There may be situations in your children’s lives that cause you pain or fear, and yet they are your children. You can love them with the love God gives you.

Scripture is clear on the great showering of love and grace God pours upon couples. We may not be able to see this grace with our natural eyes, but with the eyes of faith, we can be sure that it is there. Those who trust in the Lord can expect confidently to receive his grace because God has raised marriage to the level of a sacrament, a sign and instrument of his salvation.

As you begin to examine your relationship, spend some time reading the Song of Songs, asking the Holy Spirit to teach you. Ask God to show you how beautiful you are to him and the great sacrificial love with which he loves his whole church. We—all the people of God— are the bride of Christ. How beautiful the church is to him! How he longs to gather us in his arms and fill us with his love! Husbands and wives, put yourselves in the part of the beloved in this song and try to imagine Jesus seeking you out in love.

Maybe you are saying to yourself: “Where is this love? I’ve never known anyone who has loved me completely and unconditionally.” Perhaps you feel unloved, unlovable, and unloving. You may have experienced the effects of breakdowns, addictions, separation, or divorce that have occurred in previous generations, yet had an impact on your marriage and your children. Hold onto God’s solemn promise that he can bring good even from a bad situation. Don’t be afraid to look at the weaknesses as well as the strengths of your marriage. Don’t be afraid to ask your Father, who is rich in mercy, to help you look honestly and humbly at your relationship with one another. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the same patient kindness toward each other that God the Father has for you.

Let Love Prevail. As objectively as you can, try to answer the questions below. Remember, your goal is not to cast blame, but to discern how your love for each other can grow and how your love can affect your children. Be compassionate with each other, keeping in mind the external pressures that affect every couple—pressures related to job, finances, health, and other concerns. Do not feel that you have to resolve everything at once. You might try writing your answers to these questions first and then sharing these answers with each other later. Give God time to work in your heart. Remember St. Paul’s encouragement to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

Is your marriage built on the rock that is Christ Jesus? Do you want that love to be the substantial foundation for you and your family?

Is forgiveness a regular part of your relationship?

Do you enjoy being with one another?

Do you show reverence and respect for one another?

Do you feel free to show affection to each other?

Can you discuss finances with each other?

Can you discuss sexuality with each other constructively?

Have you been faithful to each other?

Can you sit down and develop a plan for how to care for each of your children?

Do you daily count your blessings and encourage one another?

Do you punish yourself with guilt and self-criticism, and then turn around and do the same with your spouse and children?

As you work through these questions, be sure that you let nothing detract from your love for one another. Ask the Spirit to preserve and deepen this love between you. If your foundation needs to be repaired, commit yourselves to work together to fix it. Place your marriage in God’s hands and practice true forgiveness. If necessary, don’t be afraid to seek the help of a third party as you seek to secure your marriage in Christ. Remember that your goal is to strengthen your family so that it can withstand anything that might come against it.

The Inner Well. Performing such an assessment can lead parents to look for quick fixes and magic “how to’s” that will bring immediate solutions. We often want help so badly that we will listen to anyone who we think can solve our problems. But the well within, the wonderful deposit of faith and the power of the Holy Spirit, often goes untapped. Good Christian psychology is fine and can be helpful, but unless the Lord build the house, the laborers labor in vain.

If your family’s foundation needs work, God is there to build it up. He created you and says that you are very good (Genesis 1:31). He believes in you more than you believe in him. He wants to bring out the best in you, the image of his beloved Son. By choosing to repair or strengthen your family’s foundation, know that you are welcoming God’s healing power into your home.