Building Your Spiritual Life as a Couple
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that those little quirks that made our spouse so endearing to us when we first met him are those same habits that drive us crazy now. What does having the fan on or off have to do with our spiritual growth as a couple together?
He likes to sleep with the fan on high. I like the room still and perfectly quiet. He is a thinking type who needs to gather all the facts before making a decision. I like to wing it! My spouse and I are very different and those differences have been an essential part of our spiritual journey together.
Spiritual union takes place in the flesh
On our wedding day we listened to the nuptial blessing that we "no longer be two, but one flesh." I thought that meant we would be united in making love and making babies. Shortly after our first disagreement about the fan, I began to realize that the greater challenge of becoming "one flesh" in our first years together had to do with joining our minds and hearts as well as our bodies. The Christian tradition of marriage invites couples into a deeply spiritual communion with one another and with God.That sounds pretty lofty and you may think that long hours of prayer would be the only pathway to that kind of experience of God. True, prayer is important. Recent research shows that shared prayer is a major predictor of stability and satisfaction for couples. But what could the deeply spiritual union of two lovers with God have to do with whether the fan is on or off?
Everything.
Merging of “me” into “we” takes time
A couple's spiritual life has to do with daily efforts at negotiating differences, celebrating successes, and sacrificing selfish desires for the "us" that is gradually becoming. It is not separate from the routines and joys of everyday life. A couple's spiritual life has to do as much with making love and it does with making the bed. Spouses are formed spiritually in daily invitations to be more generous, patient and forgiving with one another. Our differences call us to conversion on a regular basis. Sometimes that spiritual discipline is as simple as picking up clothes off the floor. Other times it is as heroic as moving to another city to benefit a spouse's career. Random acts of love and care for one another are steps into God's presence. Every forgiven failing provides a glimpse of Divine mercy. God is love and every mundane effort to love moves us toward the deep spiritual connection promised in the nuptial blessing. No two couples will experience the mystery of God's presence in the same way. Some will find it watching a sunset or taking long walks together. Others will experience it while in service to others or at the time of a loved one's illness or death. Gradually over the years, an "us" emerges. A deep appreciation develops around the experience of belonging to each other, not in the sense of owning one another, but in being accepted as part of the other. This profound experience of communion is a window through which one can see the face of God. Below are some questions to help you explore and deepen the unique spiritual connection developing between you:
Questions for Discussion:
- In what ways are you becoming one in mind and heart?
- What have your differences taught you about yourselves?
- When and where are you most aware of God's presence in and around you?
Which of you would be more likely to initiate a common prayer time? When would it be best to do that?
Article by Mary Jo Pedersen, M.A., author and teacher, worked in the Family Life office of the Archdiocese of Omaha for twenty-five years. She and her husband of thirty-eight years, David, have three children. Article used with permission from Family Ministries, Archdiocese of Chicago.
Resources for building couple spirituality:
Claiming Our Deepest Desires: The Power of Intimate Marriages Written by a married couple who invite readers to reflect on God's call to marriage, the nature of the call, and the acceptance. The spirituality of marriage is integrated with the practical experience of marriage, dealing with obstacles and fears that hinder intimacy, and the rhythms, cycles, and stages in a marriage are discussed.
Marital Spirituality: The Search for the Hidden Ground of Love Written by a married couple who are veteran marriage counselors who explain how use of shared scripture reading- lectio divina -is the heart of the process to finding God as the hidden ground of love. A process that works even when couples are in the middle of turmoil and feel nothing but emptiness, making this a tool for healing as well as enrichment.
The Spirituality of Marriage Podcast talk by Archdiocese of Detroit pastor Fr. John Riccardo who shares how Jesus, the author of marriage, is the only one who can show us what it means to be husbands and wives, as the basis for the spirituality of marriage.
Couple Prayer Series Website resource developed by deacon couple that is dedicated to helping married couples more fully enjoy the life-changing intimacy of being able to pray together as husband and wife.
