I Need a Lover That Won't Drive Me Crazy
I was driving to work today with the radio on. A familiar but sadly accurate relationship song by Pat Benatar came on, and I found myself singing, "I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy." I called my husband and told him that this was our new song (I was driving safely, don't worry). We both laughed at the words, knowing that there was some truth to the song.
I love my husband dearly, and our love grows more and more the longer we are together. He is kind, gracious, forgiving, does housework, treats me with respect, not to mention that he's good-looking, and has many other positive qualities. But believe me, the man can "drive me crazy." I am sure he would say the same about me. The fact is that even in our loving, safe, healthier-than-most relationship, we can get on each other’s nerves.
Marriage after the newlywed feelings subside
Every couple comes to this point in their relationship. The honeymoon feelings of complete bliss subside. Out of nowhere the irritations, frustrations, and annoyances creep into the relationship.
So, what are we supposed to do in this predicament? The truth is that the exact reasons people are attracted to one another are usually the causes of friction later in the relationship. The quiet office worker is usually fascinated with the out-going, good-looking mail carrier, but she gets so annoyed after fifteen years of marriage when he just won't stop talking to perfect strangers. He'll spend thirty minutes rambling on to just about anyone about their pet dog's latest surgery, the best casserole recipe, and their latest vacation to an amusement park. An organized accountant is attracted to a free spirit art teacher, but then gets anxious, frustrated, and angry about his partner's lack of time management skills, lack of financial know-how, and "laziness" when it comes to cleaning.
What to do when negativity and tensions arise?
So, how can we feel less "crazy" about our spouse?
Well, for starters, let's celebrate our differences! Tell your partner how you appreciate what they bring to the relationship. Why don't you write them a letter right now? Reflect on why you were attracted to that intelligent woman or that kind man. Take yourself back to the feelings and thoughts you had about them when you were first dating or married. Chill out! Learn to relax a little bit. Let go of your demands. We really don't have much control over other people’s behavior. The only person we can change is ourselves. Come to think of it, why don’t you work on changing yourself? Examine your behavior. What can you change to be a better spouse? Learn to be more flexible, respectful, and understanding. Let those little things go. Reframe that word "craziness" into something positive. Tell yourself that there really is a connection between the two of you; there are fireworks and a chemistry that exist when the two of you are together. Don't our differences make our lives so much more enjoyable, and much more exciting? Who would want to be married to themselves? I know I wouldn't. Sometimes I can even drive myself crazy. Don't tell my husband that, though.
Questions for Reflection:
- What strengths do you bring to the relationship? What strengths does your spouse bring? Share your answers with each other.
- What were the qualities that attracted you to your spouse? Again, share your answers with each other.
- What about myself would I most like to change in order to have a happier marriage? What do I think my spouse would like me to change? You got it, share your answers with each other.
Article by Laura Demetrician, MFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and married seven years with two daughters. Article used with permission from Family Ministries, Archdiocese of Chicago.
