Grade Your Marriage

Marriage is not a test that you either pass or fail. It’s an ongoing process of learning about each other and how to accommodate differences so that both of you can feel satisfied and grow in love for each other.

Marriage is also not a competition in which one person wins at the expense of the other. If both spouses are not happy with a decision, then the marriage suffers since one person’s happiness cannot be at the expense of the other’s.

In this spirit, we invite you to assess where you are in your marriage.

• Identify the issues that you agree on and are working smoothly for you.
• Identify the issues that you disagree on and need to work out a compromise.
• Identify the issues that you haven’t gotten around to talking about – but you should.

All this can add up to a blueprint for deepening your marriage and helping you reach your full marriage potential. The following categories can get you started:

On a scale of 1 – 10 rate your satisfaction with your marriage in the areas of:

1. Shared Values _____

2. Commitment to each other _____

3. Communication Skills _____

4. Conflict Resolution Skills _____

5. Intimacy/Sexuality _____

6. Spirituality/Faith _____

7. Money Management _____

8. Appreciation/Affection _____

9. Lifestyle _____

10. Recreation _____

11. Decision Making _____

12. Parenthood _____

13. Household chores / gender differences _____

14. Careers _____

15. Balancing Time_____

TOTAL: _____

Since this isn’t a test, but rather a map for you to use for further discussion, your total is not based on 100%. If your self-ratings on a specific topic are:

8-10: You are quite happy with this aspect of your marriage. This could be because you are generally an optimistic person and easy going, or you’ve been very intentional about working on your marriage.

4-7: You are sliding along in your marriage, perhaps not paying much attention to it or avoiding areas of conflict. It’s also possible that you have high expectations and are not an easy grader.

1-3: You are pretty dissatisfied with this aspect of your marriage. Check out the other areas of this website that address this topic.

Another way of assessing whether you need to pay more attention to certain areas of your marriage is by comparing answers with your spouse. If your ratings on any given topic differ by more than three points, you’ll want to discuss why.

Finally, if both you and your spouse have total scores of:

100 + Give yourself an A – but don’t get proud or complacent.

75-99 Give yourself a B – you’re in good shape and can pinpoint those areas you’ll want to discuss further.

50-74 Give yourself a C – You may have much to discuss or one of you may be more dissatisfied than the other. Check it out.

15-49 Looks like trouble. The fact that you have filled out this self-assessment, however, is a good sign. You haven’t given up; you want to make your marriage better. Don’t isolate. Now get to work on it:

• Ask for God’s help.
• Make an appointment to speak with your parish priest.
• See out a mature married couple to talk to.
• Get a referral to a qualified Catholic marriage counselor.
• Attend a Retrouvaille marriage healing retreat weekend.
• Visit the US Bishops’ marriage support web site http://foryourmarriage.org/ . 
• Contact the Archdiocese Marriage and Family office at 313-237-5894 or familyministry@aod.org for local supports and resources.

Article used with permission by the US Bishop’s marriage web site foryourmarriage.org.