Grilling for Relationships
“The LORD God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him. So the LORD God cast a deep sleep on the man, and while he was asleep, he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. The LORD God then built up into a woman the rib that he had taken from the man. When he brought her to the man, the man said: "This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called 'woman,' for out of 'her man' this one has been taken." (Genesis 2: 18, 21-23).
Late summer is here, and there’s still time to fire up the grill! And while you’re at it, you can throw a few hot coals on your romance, too. You may not think planning a barbeque for your friends or family is a great relationship booster, but think again. Something as simple and fun as a cookout has the potential of building a stronger marriage.
Let’s start with one of the two biggest stresses in marriage: housework and time (and I don’t mean “too little housework, too much time”). Researchers have discovered that, on average—hold on to your hats for this surprising finding—wives do more housework than husbands. And researchers find more men use outdoor grills than women. Shocked? I thought you would be. All right, maybe those are not earth shattering revelations, but here are two findings that maybe you didn’t know: Women who view their husbands as pitching-in are happier, and men who share domestic chores report having better sex lives.
The benefits backyard grilling can have on your marital relationship
Now that I have your attention, I’m sure you’ll see the wonderful potential of preparing for an evening of grilling. First, when you spend time deciding on a menu, it gives you a chance to work together for a common purpose. Then, when you divvy up jobs, it helps to reinforce the roles that each of you play, and reminds you that the true strength of a marital bond is that you complement each other, and can each benefit from the other’s strengths.
You grow as a team and as individuals. When the happy hubby dons his apron and heads outside, he has the chance to demonstrate mastery at a task; the fresh air and constant action is an outlet that helps him to relax; and bringing food to the table satisfies his hunter’s instincts to provide a meal for his family. No, the guy’s chores don’t totally take the wife out of the picture, as many women still find themselves doing prep work, salad preparation, clean up, in fact, just about everything except stand over the grill turning the steak. But, hey, at least they’re not standing over the grill turning the steak. And no matter how you slice it, it is a break.
And of course, the real joy of a cookout is being able to sit together as a family and appreciate how you two, working together, made this fantastic meal. Don’t forget to thank each other for a job well done!
You’ve probably figured out by now that while I’m singing the praises of grilling, I’m only using it as one example of how an activity has the potential of bringing a husband and wife closer together.
The basic elements of working together as a team
- Work together on projects as a team, not as competitors.
- Look at experiences for the fun they can bring and the problems they solve, not the burden they impose.
- Recognize that you each bring strengths to the relationship. Don’t resent your partner for his or her differences. The other’s unique qualities are what attracted you to each other in the first place.
- If you’re not the main homemaker, pitch in and help with household tasks.
- Share time together eating and talking, and you’ll keep a stronger bond.
- Celebrate your accomplishments together. If you don’t, nobody will.
- Lavish your partner with praise.
So, this summer as you take the cover off the backyard grill, consider the many ways that you two can create a spicier, hotter and more nurturing relationship. Then, get cooking!
Mouth-watering, Fall-off-the-Bone Spareribs!
3 pounds pork spareribs1 (18 ounce) bottle of your favorite barbeque sauce2 bottles of beer2 cloves garlic, chopped1 onion, sliced1 1/2 teaspoons salt1 teaspoon ground pepper
Place spareribs in a large pot with barbeque sauce, beer, garlic, onion, salt, and pepper. Bring to a low boil, and cook for 30-40 minutes. Remove from heat and marinate the ribs in the sauce at least three hours or overnight.
Preheat grill, then lightly oil it. Remove spareribs from marinade and place on the grill. Using the remaining marinade, grill ribs, basting every five minutes. Ribs should be done in about 30 minutes.
Reflection questions:
- When was the last time you cooked together as a couple? Do you have any lasting memories of that experience, positive, negative, or comical?
- What are the strengths that each of you bring to a shared project? Make sure to tell each other your answer!
- In the next month, what occasion could you celebrate with a back-yard cookout that might otherwise go unrecognized? Be creative! How about a monthly wedding anniversary date, anniversary of your first kiss, or just celebrating the first day you ever cooked together? Put it on your calendars and enjoy!
Scott Haltzman, M.D., is the founder and editor of DrScott.com, a psychiatrist and author of several books, including The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women, and The Secrets of Happy Families. Article used with permission by Marriage and Family Ministries, Archdiocese of Chicago. Article used with permission by Marriage and Family Ministries, Archdiocese of Chicago.
