Here We Grow Again

As we begin our lives together as a married couple, we feel our mate is “perfect” for us. In that moment in time, everything has led up to building a sense of love, trust and acceptance; the qualities that made you say “I do!”Newly marrieds: So what happens next?  Why do marriages end in the bitterness of divorce? Why are people unfaithful?  Because time marches on and sometimes it marches right through what was a “perfect” couple, leaving in its wake broken individuals and families. Simply stated, things change.New couples must be prepared for the wonderment and struggles of a journey with their spouse. From the first steps down the aisle to meeting again in heaven, the path of a successful marriage is one full of the ability to love, trust, and accept; a journey filled with communication and change.Journalist Anne Taylor Fleming is supposed to have said, “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” Two people who are going to become very different people as they age still maintain the connection of matrimony and the joy it brings. Marriage should bring out the best in each other and provide a safe place to grow as an individual.Further along from the walk down the aisle

Five years from the walk down the aisle, there will be two very different people in the same marriage. If the focus of the marriage is love, trust and communication, then it will still be two people in love. If the focus is on keeping someone as they are, the marriage will become a disaster.As we develop as individuals, our marriages develop as consecrated partnerships.  Although it takes hard work sometimes, the rewards of having a loving, trusting and communicative partner in life’s journey is worth the effort.Marriage as a safe place to grow

Today, men and women have incredible changes in their lives as individuals, yet successful marriages still rely on love. Becoming equally important, however, is open communication, founded on trust and acceptance of change. Marriage should be our safe place, the place where we know we are loved and accepted, even if we make individual mistakes. In my practice as a pastoral counselor, I often ask where each individual sees themselves in ten years. Then I ask where they see their marriage in ten years. Here is one of the best answers I ever received.

“In ten years, I may have had five different jobs, three different cars and two different dogs. And, I can handle that because I’ve got one same thing—my love for Ann.”Things happen to us as individuals. We grow, change and shine in our own way. We also fall down and have shortcomings that are entirely ours. But our marriage can blossom under any circumstance so long as we give it the primacy and empowerment it deserves. So long as we understand our marriage is only as strong as the two individuals that make it up, change becomes just a part of the marriage journey.

Questions for Discussion:

• What things have changed about your spouse since you married? Do they surprise you?

We are reminded in scripture and now common verse: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

• Are there shortcomings in your spouse that have you accepted? Has your spouse accepted some in you? Can you agree these are okay?

Article by Reece W. Manley, DD, MEd, MPM, LLC, who has dedicated his life to writing with a sense of integrity and passion and has enjoyed fifteen years of pastoral counseling. Article used with permission from Family Ministries, Archdiocese of Chicago.