Husbands Love Your Wives
Husbands, Love Your Wives!
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Joe and his wife, Julie, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that each of you know what things are important to your spouse.”
Addressing the men, he asked: “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Joe leaned over, touched Julie’s arm gently, and said in a knowing whisper: “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
What Wives Want. I’ll bet that if our wives were asked to draw up a list of what they really wanted in their marriage, they wouldn’t start with a wish that we knew their floral (or “floural”) preferences! There’s a place for this kind of awareness. But more fundamentally, what matters to our wives is how we love and cherish them and care for their needs.
Scripture sets the bar very high: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Essentially, this means showing our love by taking on the attitude of selfless service that we see in Jesus. It means being as concerned about our wives as we are about ourselves—so concerned, in fact, that we are willing to die to our own needs and desires for our wives’ good.
Difficult? You bet. Impossible? Well, it would be, if it weren’t for God’s ability to transform our minds and hearts. But if we ask his help to change our selfish attitudes and habits, he will do it through the power of the Holy Spirit. Furthermore, he will enable us to express that love in concrete ways, like the following five practices.
How Do I Love You?
• By Praying. I believe that the most important thing a husband can do for his wife is to pray for her on a regular basis. Prayer is powerful. It changes things. It brings us right to the seat of grace and wisdom—God himself.
Every day, I make it a point to pray for my wife, Therese. I ask God to bless her with every good gift and draw her closer to himself. I ask that he take care of her needs and protect and strengthen her in trials or difficulties. I also ask for wisdom to love and serve her better.
One day during my prayer time, I sensed the Holy Spirit saying that Therese and I should talk about how our older children were doing. When I mentioned this to her the next morning, she was relieved: It was something she had wanted to discuss, but life had been so busy that she hadn’t mentioned it. The conversation was fruitful, and very good for both of us. That’s a small but typical example of how God can intervene if we’re faithful to prayer.
• By Talking. I know a couple who had agreed to set aside time for a weekly communication session to discuss practical aspects of their life. After a few weeks, the husband lost his enthusiasm, the wife’s reminding turned into nagging, and the idea petered out.
This is not an unusual scenario. Most husbands have a natural inclination to let communication fall to the lowest level our wives will put up with. If we want to show them love, though, we’ll play an active part in seeing that regular communication takes place. We’ll also take initiative to bring up topics for discussion, rather than always placing this burden on them. The family schedule, issues related to the children, chores, finances, family, and personal prayer— these are some of the areas that belong on the agenda.
While you’re at it, ask your wife if you can help work out a schedule she can live with—one that includes prayer, exercise, and breaks, as well as family responsibilities. All of us need objective, outside input on how we’re setting priorities and scheduling the things that have to get done. Your support can make all the difference, especially if your wife is dealing with challenging circumstances (say, young children or an outside job).
• By Meeting Needs. When we experience a need for sleep or relaxation or whatever, we do our best to meet it. Do we show the same eagerness when it comes to our wives’ needs, or do we let them fend for themselves? Again, our model is Christ’s relationship with the church: He tends and cares for us and never neglects our needs. Our marriage vows call us to do the same for our wives. Here are three important needs to consider:
Time for God: You should be as concerned for your wife’s spiritual life as you are for your own. Be willing to sacrifice your own desires so she has adequate time for prayer and Scripture reading—daily, if possible; otherwise, three or four times a week. Can she peacefully get to Sunday Mass? To the Sacrament of Reconciliation? Is weekday Mass possible?
Time with other women: Our wives need friends they enjoy, women who support and encourage them in practical ways as well as in their relationship with the Lord. But they need time to develop these supportive relationships.
Time out: Everybody needs a break once in a while. Give your wife some time alone. Look for ways to reduce her workload. Sometimes I suggest dinner out, or I tell Therese not to bother about a big dinner—cold sandwiches on paper plates are fine.
Meeting your wife’s needs will require effort on your part. You may have to take care of the children, do an extra chore or two, give something up, or do some long-range planning. For the sake of your marriage and family life, it’s worth it!
• By Encouraging. When was the last time you paid your wife a meaningful compliment? Not a distracted “Hmm, that’s nice” nor a backdoor “This stew’s not bad,” but a genuine, full-fledged, “Honey, that was a great meal” or, “Say, you really look pretty tonight” or, “You gave an excellent presentation at that meeting.” Have you ever told her she’s a good wife or mother and listed the reasons you think so?
• By Going Out Together. In a conversation over lunch one day, I received some excellent advice from my friend Ted, who has been married about as long as I have been alive.
He told me that from time to time, he takes his wife away for a weekend. “We go to a motel with a pool and a nice restaurant,” he said, “I make it as enjoyable and relaxing as I can—no cooking, cleaning, kids, or phone. You ought to do that for Therese.”
I took Ted’s advice and have never regretted it. Though Therese and I can afford a weekend getaway only about once a year, it’s been an excellent way both to spend time together and to provide a respite from the usual routine.
On a more modest level, I highly recommend scheduling a few hours of leisure time with your spouse every week. Much of marriage is necessarily functional; there are many practical issues to take care of. In order to grow in our relationship of love, however, spouses need time together that is not focused on problems, work, schedules, children, and tasks.
These dates with your spouse can be simple. Take a walk or a drive in the country. Go to a play, concert, or movie. Go bowling or skating. Scout out the best ice cream parlor in town. Play Scrabble, gin rummy, cribbage. Relax, do something you both enjoy—and enjoy one another.
Which Will It Be? Implement even one of these five practical ways to love your wife, and you will strengthen your marriage and enrich your life together. Entrust your efforts to Jesus, the Lord of your marriage. Trust in the power of his Holy Spirit at work in you. With his help, you can move into an ever deepening life of love.
Randall Cirner and his wife, Therese, are marriage counselors based out lf Ann Arbor, Michigan, and have authored several books on the Christian life and marriage. Article used with permission by The Word Among Us online resources at wau.org/resources.
