Soften Your Startup for Success
Think about how true that this has been in your married life experience:
Discussions inevitably end on the same note that they began with my spouse.
This is the research finding from years of systematic observation of couples from a leading expert in the field of marriage relationships – “If you start an argument harshly – meaning you attack your spouse verbally – you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup – meaning you complain but don’t criticize or otherwise attack your spouse – then the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.” [1] Sounds simple and not a bad deal.
It takes work to always seek to honor, respect and preserve a vibrant sense of friendship with the one you married “until death do you part”, as any seasoned married couple will testify. Mutual understanding and acceptance of each other’s differences is foundational to any growing marital friendship.
Consequences of Harsh Startup
A slip or drift into harsh startup can lead to a negative spiral in the emotional functioning of your marriage relationship. The unintended consequence can be a creeping sense and unintended pattern of being critical, judgmental, defensive, and emotionally distant with your spouse, and ultimately a predictor of divorce. [2] Hence, instead of your marriage being a safe haven, a place of rest and regeneration from the dust and travails of each day abroad, loneliness and eroding marital friendship can ensue.
An ounce of prevention smartly applied is always better and easier to swallow than the medicine needed to cure an ailing relationship.
Maintaining the Habit of Simple Courtesy and Good Manners
A good reality check on whether you are nurturing your marital friendship is if you would feel embarrassed to have your boss, pastor, or next door neighbor view the video highlights (audio included) of the past ten disagreements with your spouse. A good rule of thumb for all marriages, and the golden rule for Christian marriages, is this: Always treat your spouse with the same honor and respect as you would a guest, co-worker, or neighbor and would expect of them toward your spouse.
Couples in successful marriages keep their mutual admiration society intact, up front and center as a matter of good habit. For those countless times that we regretfully fail to do so in little and big ways, we need to seek and receive forgiveness from our spouse. Pride and forgiveness are mutually exclusive.
Not Left to Our Own Devises
Thankfully, God in our marriage, through His Son Jesus, has given us the necessary cure and command to forgive one another without limit - “seventy times seven”. [3] God certainly knows what we are up against (our selfishness and pride) when we exchanged those irrevocable wedding vows “for better, for worse” when together as husband and wife we entered the lifelong journey of marriage.
It is through the sacrament of marriage that we are given the sufficient grace to overcome our human weaknesses in making our marriages a living testimony of God’s love - “love one another as I love you”. [4] For our part as partners united in and with Christ, we need to seek, receive and activate God’s grace, i.e., supernatural help and power, to make-up what is lacking in us and make our marriages beautiful as they were intended to be.
In the gospel narrative of the wedding at Cana [5], Jesus transformed the water into “good wine” and the jars were “filled to the brim”. This is an outward sign of the new life and abundance of grace that God extends to transform our marriages into a living sacrament, a visible sign of God’s love and fidelity. All we have to do is ask and be open to receiving God’s help, no matter how difficult the condition or situations in our marriage, and He will provided the needed help. It’s all about God’s commitment to Christian couples as the third Person in the marital union.
Seven Suggestions to Ensure that Your Startup is Soft
1. Complain but don’t blame – complain about a particular situation, but not your partner’s personality or character.
2. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” – “I” statements properly assign ownership, keep the disagreement objective, and are much gentler and disarming than statements that begin with “You”.
3. Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge – just describe what you see or feel happening.
4. Be clear – don’t assume your partner is a mind reader.
5. Be polite – use semantics that convey respect …“Thank you”, “Please”
6. Be appreciative – preface any critical feedback or request with what your partner does right and well first.
7. Don’t store things up – don’t wait too long to bring up an issue that bothers you, lest it grow out of proportion and come out angry. [6]
The More Excellent Way of Love
Here is a sure proof way to lovingly work through conflict in your marriage. Read the following scripture passage, as should be every couple’s prayer (and plea at times!), and insert your name where it says “Love” and “It”, while remembering that “Love” is the invitation and reality of the new life that God offers and empowers couples with in their marriage:
But I shall show you a still more excellent way. …Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. [7]
Help me Lord, I can’t live this prayer out in my marriage on my own strength!
David Grobbel, L.M.S.W.
Associate Director, Marriage and Family Ministry
Archdiocese of Detroit
1. Gottman, John M. PhD and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, p. 161 (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).2. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, p. 160.3. Matthew 18: 22 (RSV)4. John 15: 12 (NAB)5. Roberts, William P., Marriage: It’s A God Thing, pp. 3-6 (Cincinnati: St. Anthony Messenger Press, 2007).6. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, pp. 164-166.7. 1 Corinthians 12:31, 13:4-8 (NAB)
