The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for Young Marrieds

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are symbolic descriptions of different events which will take place in the end times, as mentioned in Revelation 6: 1-8.

Marriage expert and researcher John Gottman Ph.D. conducted extensive research and found a high correlation of the presence of negative couple interaction during conflict, which he labelled “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, that predicted early divorcing during the first seven years of marriage, if left unattended.

Negative interaction patterns during conflict that predict the “end times” for early marriages

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making

someone right and someone wrong:

Statements such as: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why

are you so …”

2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically

abuse him/her:

Insults and name-calling: “wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy, jerk…”; hostile humor, sarcasm or

mockery; body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.

3. Defensiveness: Seeing self as the victim, needing to protect self from a perceived attack:

Making excuses - “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”; cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s

complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said;

Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this

because you did that…”; yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing; repeating

yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying whining “It’s not fair.”

4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they

are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection,

and/or smugness:

Stony silence; under the voice mutterings; changing the subject; removing yourself physically;

silent treatment.

A remedy for the Four Horsemen

For each of these negative interactions, there is an antidote, or opposite interaction pattern, that will eliminate the build-up of toxicity and reestablish your marriage relationship on a positive path.

Criticism → Complain about the behavior without blaming your spouse

Defensiveness → Accept responsibility for a part of the problem

Contempt → Create a culture of praise and pride

Stonewalling → Self-soothing during conflict and staying emotionally connected

To learn more about the ways to avoid and eliminate these pitfalls in your marriage, these books by John Gottman PhD offer a greater understanding and practical techniques:

• “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last”
• “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert”
• “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship”

Resources to assist

If you find that any of these negative conflict patterns have crept into your marriage, do not hope or expect them to go away on their own. It will take a conscious effort by both spouses to apply the remedy. Seek assistance if as a couple you are unable to replace these negative interactions that ultimately are toxic to the marriage.

Here are some suggested resources to help enrich, support or restore your marriage to the fullness of life that God intends for your Christian marriage:

• Seek out marriage counseling with a competent, faith-based therapist who honors the marriage covenant. Contact Catholic Charities of Southeast Michigan  or the Archdiocesan Marriage and Family Ministry  for a confidential referral to a Catholic marriage therapist.
• Attend a Retrouvaille weekend for troubled or crisis marriages that is facilitated by couples who have come back from the brink of divorce.
• Attend a  Worldwide Marriage Encounter  weekend facilitated by couples that allows couples to focus on and revitalize their marriage.  
• Visit these Catholic marriage web sites  for resources and education of the challenges that every marriage encounters.
• Purchase any of these recommended books for understanding and growing through the stages, challenges or crisis of married life.

Whether for enrichment, endurance, or a lifeline, God is there for your marriage, and by extension the Catholic community wants to be there for your marriage. Let us know how we can help.

David Grobbel, L.M.S.W.Associated Director, Marriage, Family and Pro-LifeArchdiocese of DetroitGrobbel.David@aod.org(313) 237-5894