The Holiday Season for Newly Marrieds

The Holiday Season for Newly Marrieds—Panic or Peace?  

Ways to keep your relationship intact and to allow you to enjoy God’s peace in spite of all the additional stress of holiday preparation.

When we think of the holiday season, we picture family members around an abundantly laden Thanksgiving table, evenings spent in front of a fireplace, or the happy chaos of loved ones opening gifts under the Christmas tree. Reality can be less idyllic. Besides normal work and home responsibilities, the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day can place many demands on our time and finances—for shopping and wrapping gifts, sending Christmas greetings, and holiday entertaining. Add to this the challenge of adjusting to a new spouse, and your first holiday season as a married couple may be stressful indeed.

Planning and good communication are the keys to making the holidays enjoyable and a time of special closeness for you and your mate.

Blending of family traditions

Start out by talking together about what the holidays mean to you. What was unique and enjoyable about Thanksgiving and Christmas as you were growing up? What are your fondest memories? Chances are good that your families observe the holidays in different ways, so you and your spouse will have to  think about how you would like to celebrate together and establish your own traditions as a couple. You may need to compromise or try new ideas until you find what works best for both of you.

How to make it all fit

Discuss your calendar and time commitments. What invitations have you received? If you intend to host a holiday party, when will you do that? If shopping together for family Christmas gifts is important to you, build that time into your calendar. Plan time for wrapping gifts, holiday cooking, decorating your home, or other preparations. It’s important to talk about your expectations and be clear with each other about what you’d like. Don’t assume your mate can read your mind or will know what you want. For example, you might say something like, “I want your help addressing the Christmas cards on the evening of the tenth,” or “I’d like one of our traditions to be that we decorate the tree together—would you like to do that?”

If time is at a premium for you and your spouse, perhaps you can hire help for some of the work, by using a cleaning company or the mall gift wrapping service. Another time-saving idea for shopping is to buy everyone on your list the same category of gift, say a DVD or a book. One store or a few clicks on line, and you’re done!

Don’t forget each other

Be sure to spend enough time alone together during the holiday season. Reserve some evenings or afternoons for “dates”—window-shopping or strolling through your neighborhood enjoying the Christmas lights. Put on some seasonal music and decorate your tree together, or just talk about your day. Some of my best Christmas memories are of shopping for family gifts with my husband every year. You may have to decline some invitations to make your “couple time” happen.  Parents often attempt to pressure newlyweds into being present at all holiday events just as you were before you were married. If possible, be proactive in letting your parents know when you will be available for family get-togethers. If you are able to do this in advance of their invitations, it will help manage their expectations.  Otherwise, decide with your spouse which events you will attend, and lovingly but firmly decline the others.

Managing finances and expectations

Besides time, money is another important topic for discussion. Many couples overspend, putting themselves into a financial hole for many months afterwards. In addition to gifts, you will probably spend money on cards and postage, decorations, new clothes, travel, and entertaining. Decide together what you can afford to spend in each category. You may find it helpful to go through your list of gift recipients and set a budget for each gift as well. That way you will not get an unpleasant surprise in January when the credit card statements arrive. With a little time and creativity, you and your spouse may be able to make some of your gifts as a way of saving money.

Finally, let go of the idea of “the perfect holiday.” Be realistic about your expectations. If things don’t go as you would like, talk with your spouse to determine what you could do differently next year. Keep your perspective by remembering the reason for the season—to thank God for all the blessings He gives us, and to celebrate the greatest gift of all, Jesus our Lord and Savior. May your celebration of this joyous season draw you and your spouse closer to each other and to Him.

Questions for Reflection:

• Which holiday tradition did I enjoy most growing up?
• What is the balance between time with family and friends and time for just us?
• What was my family's attitude toward gift giving at Christmas? Would I like us to continue that practice?
• Jesus is the reason for the season. How can we make that happen?

Jo Noetzel, MA, LPC, NCC, is a licensed professional counselor working in Deerfield, Illinois. She and Terry have been married for 34 years and have three adult children. Article used with permission from Family Ministries, Archdiocese of Chicago.