Thinking Affects Relationships
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another. – Colossians 3:12
Thinking affects relationships with others, especially those close to you. Do your thoughts also have an effect on your well-being? Where do you focus your thoughts? Can you transform your thinking and therefore your relationships?
Over the last few months I have noticed a very interesting phenomenon. I have an almost immediate physical reaction when I think something self-critical, or when I have a thought that is critical and negative about someone else or something that is happening. This is especially true when my thoughts are focused on someone I am close to. I receive immediate feedback that it would be better to change my thoughts!
I have begun to notice that when I think positive thoughts about someone, it is easier to get along with them, and I feel better. My body is training me to shift my focus towards the positive.
When I talk to couples who I work with in my counseling practice that are having difficulty getting along, I usually find that they were thinking critical thoughts about each other before they opened their mouths and began criticizing out loud. Sometimes they stopped themselves from saying their negative perceptions out loud…at least initially. However, during times of high stress or hormonal changes, out came the destructive words.
The power of virtuous thoughts to transform
This all seems simple and logical I suppose–think positive thoughts about each other instead of negative ones. But do we even want to do it? We often behave as if it’s our right, or even our obligation, to correct and point out the flaws in others. How will our spouses or coworkers ever get it right if we don’t instruct them?! Also, backbiting (speaking negatively, in a diminishing way, about someone who is absent) is a destructive way of life in our culture. We often justify our negative thoughts and words with, “But it’s true!”
Truthfulness is a virtue…unless we misuse it and cause harm with it. Truthfulness is a quality that requires many helper qualities so it is applied beneficially. All these qualities are linked to having positive thoughts and expressions of “the truth”: tactfulness, kindness, compassion, acceptance, encouragement, forgiveness, gentleness, humility (to see our own faults!), respect, and unity. Timeliness is also vital to consider. Sometimes our truthful words need to wait for a better time.
Think before you speak
When we think negatively about our spouse, we can’t help but struggle in our interactions with them. Our attitude will slip out in one way or another. If instead we commit our energy to looking for and thinking good things about our partner, and focus on sharing positive words, we will feel more connected and unified with them. We will give our spouse the grace to be themselves, encouraging them in positive directions as needed. Our positive efforts with God’s grace will transform our thoughts and elevate our interactions to the level of dignity deserving in Christ as we accompany one another on our marriage journey.
Love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor. – Romans 12:10
Susanne M. Alexander is an experienced Relationship and Marriage Educator and Coach with a specialty in character. Article used with permission and adapted from http://marriagetransformation.com/.
