Resolving Conflicts Constructively with Your Spouse
Think back to the last time you and your spouse had a disagreement. Were you both able to communicate your feelings and viewpoints, or did you end up in a shouting match?
Did you resolve the problem to your satisfaction—and to your spouse’s? Were you able to forgive one another for any hurtful things that were said? Of course, in any close relationship there will be conflict. Some people are by nature able to resolve conflicts in a constructive and collaborative way. However, in my many years as a psychologist advising married couples, I know that the vast majority of us need some coaching in this area. How can we work through our disagreements without hurting our spouses or wounding our relationships?
Cultivating mutual respect, trust, and cooperation. At the heart of successful conflict resolution is a decision made by both husband and wife to relate to each other on the basis of mutual respect, trust, and cooperation. Therefore, it’s important to have some basic “ground rules.” You and your spouse can agree in advance that when you have an argument, you will try to adhere to the following principles: (1) We will uphold each other’s dignity; (2) We will respectfully listen to each other’s viewpoint; (3) We will express our views maturely; and (4) If necessary, we will agree to disagree, while always maintaining trust in the bond of love that God has given to us.
Maintaining Our Own Peace. The most important point to remember is that there will be no peace between you and your spouse if there is no peace in your own heart. It’s fairly typical for spouses to operate in a reactive mode. One person becomes upset, and the other reacts to that emotion with anxiety, defensiveness, or anger. All these negative emotions make it tougher to resolve the issue.
However, if we remain peaceful, our spouse is likely to sense our state of mind and become more relaxed. When we seek to regulate our own emotions and to express them constructively, we create a more positive environment for resolving conflict. And instead of just reacting to a situation, we can take steps to be proactive in maintaining the peace within us.
One proactive strategy is to ask yourself what is likely to upset your spouse and what upsets you. Conflicts in marriage often erupt over issues of sex, money, and child-rearing. Think back to the past few times you and your spouse argued. What was the argument about? Just being aware of sensitive areas can help you to deal with problems before serious conflict begins.
Another proactive strategy is to calmly review the thoughts and emotions you tend to experience in conflict situations. You may notice that some of your thoughts are almost automatic and occur over and over again. For example, you may find yourself thinking, “She never does this,” or “He should do that.” Observe what kind of feelings these thoughts tend to provoke in your body—perhaps your heart rate increases, or the muscles in your back become tense.
Challenging Your Thoughts. Then, try to challenge the natural thoughts and feelings you observed in yourself. As you examine your thinking, ask the Holy Spirit to help you resist any judgmental or exaggerated thoughts. For example, if you are thinking, “He never listens to me,” respond to that thought with, “Has he really never listened to me even once?” Think about a time when he did listen.
Husbands and wives also need to determine whether their expectations are too high. Perhaps we are looking for perfection in our spouse, but Scripture clearly states that we all “fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). It’s important not to judge yourself and others against a standard of perfection without having a healthy sense of normal human frailty.
For example, one man lost his temper whenever he and his wife became lost while driving. His wife was under constant pressure to be an unerring navigator. Finally, the man realized that he should not expect his wife to be right one hundred percent of the time. That simple realization removed a huge bone of contention in their marriage.
Once we become aware of our anger, frustration, or resentment, we need to take personal authority over ourselves and our emotions. Push the “pause” button, step back, and decide to get yourself under control before doing or saying anything else. Remember, it’s okay to get angry—but it must be expressed appropriately.
However, when emotions become too overwhelming, it may be better to just call a time-out. Perhaps you could write a letter to each other. You may also need to stop and simply pray before trying to proceed. In doing so, you express your belief that God will honor your prayer to stay calm and peaceful and help you find a solution to the problem.
Achieving a Solution. There are several time-honored problem-solving skills that can help you and your spouse work through disagreements. The first skill is based on the wise advice of St. Francis: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When listening to your spouse, try not to interrupt—verbally or nonverbally.
For example, rolling your eyes when your spouse is sharing his views does not help to create a climate of mutual trust and respect. Try to see the world the way your spouse does. You don’t necessarily have to agree, but demonstrating your understanding builds trust and will encourage the other person to try to understand you.
After your spouse has shared his or her viewpoint, try to interpret it in the most charitable way, and repeat what you think he or she said. Make sure your spouse then confirms your understanding of their view before you begin to share your own.
The second problem-solving skill is to think “win-win.” In any conflict, we tend to expect that there will always be a winner and a loser, but it’s important to remember that you can both benefit from a creative solution. You and your spouse are on the same team. To collaborate on a solution, you both need to brainstorm and consider multiple options. Then seek to agree on what might be the best solution. Collaboration is the most satisfying way to resolve conflict, but it does require active listening and a commitment of time and energy.
For example, one couple found themselves consistently struggling over finances. The husband was angry about how his wife used their credit cards, and the wife felt that her husband was being stingy. Finally their conflict drove them to sit down together, examine their finances, and agree on a family budget. The wife agreed to keep her spending under the limits they set, and the husband agreed that together they could set goals to purchase some of the nicer things that she wanted for their home.
Goodwill and Forgiveness. Conflicts are less likely to mushroom out of proportion when we make the time to nurture our marriages. An overall feeling of goodwill toward one another—the fruit of affection and quality time spent together—will prevent many potential battles from heating up.
If you do lose your cool during an argument, you might be tempted to berate yourself for being uncharitable or for overreacting. Keep in mind that the Lord does not want us to tear ourselves apart with self-criticism. Instead, he wants to gently convict us of our sins and to convince us of his love and his power to transform us into his own image and likeness. Without compassion for ourselves, we can easily become defensive or self-righteous.
Of course, one of the jewels in any marriage relationship is the gift of forgiveness. If you have hurt one another’s feelings, be quick to ask for forgiveness. Don’t let resentments build. Take responsibility for anything you said or did that contributed to the disagreement. Accept each other more and try to change each other less.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Jesus knows our every weakness, and still he is always ready and eager to forgive us. “Love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10). We love and honor our spouses—and fulfill our wedding vows—when we seek and grant forgiveness. When conflicts occur, let us be just as eager as Jesus to love and forgive.
André Leyva, PhD, is a Catholic psychologist who often lectures and writes about marriage and conflict resolution and has occasionally contributed articles to The Word Among Us. Article used with permission from Word Among Us online Resources at www.wau.org.
