What I Didn't Know About Marriage

"And they lived happily ever after."

Isn't that the line that’s supposed to follow, "You may now kiss the bride?" By the time I had been married a few months, however, it was apparent that marriage wasn't exactly what I had imagined it would be—blissful, harmonious, and stress-free all the time. Perhaps that is your experience as well, and you are wondering, as I did, if something was wrong. Most likely, there is nothing seriously amiss with your marriage, but you might be suffering under some of the same misconceptions I had as a bride.

Marriage is hard work

For one thing, no one ever told me that marriage would be such hard work! If we love each other, shouldn’t it be easy to get along? Not necessarily! Marriage involves two people with distinct needs, preferences, family backgrounds, and habits. As the two of you join yourselves into one family, there are bound to be areas of conflict. Try to handle them with humor, creativity, and a spirit of generosity and compromise. Realize that the way you grew up doing something isn’t the only way, the "right" way, or even the best way. For example, my husband’s family placed toilet tissue so that it rolled off the front; mine had it rolling from the back. I tried his way, and I actually like it better. However, we each have our own tubes of toothpaste because I squeeze from the middle, and he squeezes from the bottom!

The mind reading myth

As silly as it sounds, when I was first married I expected my husband to read my mind. My thought process went along these lines: "If he really loved me, of course he'd know what I want. And if I have to tell him, he's only obliging because I told him, and not because he wants to, so it doesn’t mean anything." How unfair that was! Over the years, I have learned that our marriage works better when we are both responsible for stating what we want and need in our relationship. Our "love languages" may be different, but because we care about each other, we try hard to accommodate our spouse’s desires whenever possible.

Different hardwiring

Another big revelation was that my husband and I have different communication styles. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that men and women are so different? Like many men, my husband wants to know the "bottom line" first when we talk, before I tell him the details. That took some adjusting on my part, because it’s more natural for me to sketch in all the specifics before stating my conclusion. Another style difference is that I, like many women, sometimes need to "vent" after a hard day, and don't necessarily want or need my husband to do anything other than listen. He has learned to ask whether I want his help or advice, or if simply having him as a sounding board is what I need.

Conflict is normal and meant to be healthy

Something else I wish I had known as a newlywed is that conflict can be healthy for a marriage if handled well. Because I thought fighting was harmful, I often buried my negative feelings, but that led to resentments. What I have realized (and am still learning to practice even after many years of marriage) is that talking openly about issues and emotions usually help us feel closer, provided that we “fight fair.” By this I mean that we make the fight about the issue, refrain from personal attacks or name–calling, use "I statements" ("I'm angry about…" or "I'm hurt that you…"), and avoid words that trigger defensiveness, such as "always" and "never." We've also decided that either of us can call a time out if the argument becomes so heated that it will likely be destructive rather than lead to resolution. We agree to come back together again to finish the discussion when we can both approach the issue calmly.

Reality adjustment to married life

Mistaken beliefs about marriage and faulty assumptions about your spouse may be contributing to misunderstandings between you. Talk these through and learn as much as you can about each other. Laugh at yourself whenever possible! If you need to learn more about communication and conflict resolution, there are an abundance of books, websites, and marriage enrichment programs available to help you enhance these skills at www.foryourmarriage.org. Seek coaching if you need it. You might even ask older married couples to share what they wished they had known when they were newlyweds.

If you feel you have nowhere else to turn, contact the Archdiocese of Detroit Marriage & Family office at 313-237-5894 or familyministry@aod.org for assistance – we are here to help and serve your Catholic marriage.